I'm fucking sick of living.

I'm too different to fit in.

No one cares, no one bothers.

I'm hidden being something,

Screenshield, separating me from the rest.



It doesn't bother you whether I'm happy or not.

I'm just me, you don't care.



Me.

Small and insignificant.

So fucking imperfect.

Grateful.
Loved.

Thankful for the change.
I was prideful but He brought me back down to my knees, in humble prayer.
I was straying, lost and lonely, but He brought me back to His side and loved me all the same.
I was rebellious but He disciplined me in accordance to His ways and showed me the right way.
I was a wretched soul but He made me His own child.

And for that, I'm eternally grateful. For a change so great, a love beyond comprehension, forgiveness that reaches out to the corners of the earth.

my God loves me, and I'm grateful.

how would you feel if you were angry and someone takes a picture of you and then asks you to look at it while you're still fuming?

不可能。
(L)porque usted tiene una sonrisa que podría iluminar esta ciudad entera, amor.

"parece a este. el muchacho encuentra a la muchacha. la muchacha se cae enamorada del muchacho. pero esto es una cosa ridícula de hacer porque el muchacho nunca se caerá enamorado de la muchacha. la muchacha sabe. la muchacha no puede hacer nada sobre ello. la muchacha sólo quiere hacer el muchacho feliz. entonces ella hace todo que ella puede, sin el muchacho que alguna vez sabe. el amor no es sobre a quién usted puede ser con, pero sin quién usted no puede ser. parece a este, pero es bien mientras usted es feliz."

indeed.

等待明天的到来。
莫名其妙的事情，
他那颗心，
你那份心意，
她那句话，
你那句告别，
他那个笑容，
你那些眼泪，
她那种心情，
你哪能了解？

如果有一天，天上的星星不再闪闪发亮，你会怎么做？

Nothing Is Impossible - Planetshakers

Through You,
I can do anything,
I can do all things,
Cause it's You who give me strength,
Nothing is impossible

Through You,
Blind eyes are opened,
Strongholds are broken,
I am living by faith,
Nothing is impossible!

Today was pre-camp UNIFY! games trials (: I had so much fun, I'm glad God gave me this opportunity to be where I am today. To be honest, I never thought I'd get to know people like leon/justin/jeryl etc. Up til today, I've felt like a lost sheep, not really knowing my stand in speedlight or what I'm there for. To be honest I've felt like a stranger, out of place, not knowing many people. I'm really happy for all these doors that God has opened for me. I'm truly encouraged. I'm no longer the person I used to be, I'm really thankful for everything that God has given to me. Yet at the same time I'm very afraid that this mindset that I now hold is fragile and will easily broken. I'm afraid to become the old me again. I'm afraid to go back to all those bad habits I had. I'm clinging on tightly to what I have now, But I'm so afraid to lose it all. That aside, today's games trials were really fun. I'm really looking forward to camp! Yet there's this small part of me that doubts if my group will be enthusiastic and participate in the games without complains, seeing that the games are really dirty. Because they're at the age where they hate to get dirty and they don't see that you've to get down and dirty if you want to have fun D: I really hope that through this camp, I'll find God all over again and that I'll really get to know more people and have a decent group of friends who aren't actually bad influence. I mean my current friends are good and all, but majority that I mix with are of bad influence. So I really just want friends who will share the same fervour for God and who will stand by me when times are bad and just encourage me with the Word. I'm really really thankful for this chance to get to know more people in speedlight. Now I feel closer to speedlight and I'm just really grateful to God. I hope that through this camp, I will also learn to seek God more. I really hope to find God through this all, it's like rebirth, my new life. I'm glad I'm given this chance to be a leader, ultimately I really look to God to help me lead this group of kids in the camp. I'm not 100% confident that I'll be able to be a good leader. Leading is so different from being led, there are responsibilities, challenges and obstacles to face. But at the end of it all, I hope that I will return a changed person, stronger in Christ and I'll know how to be more responsible and face challenges with the strength of God. (: I'm really glad for all that God has given to me.

Today we played the games. It rained initially, even before we started on the first game. It was a discouraging start but at the end of it all, it was a really awesome day. We had a really dirty start, muddy soapy water(: Swimming on land indeed. And then we had tons of other fun games. I went off to grab change of clothes and met some dunman high people on the way(: Frankly speaking I wasn't sure if I ought to say hi because I've always felt that I'm not cool enough. I was really glad that he said hi first, so I didn't feel so awkward and out of place. And when I got back I saw everyone playing this water bomb and towel game. I didn't play but I was really happy just by watching everyone play the game. The screaming and laughter really warmed my heart while I watched them play. We had all sorts of games, it really reminded me of all the past speedlight camps that I've been to. It's quite fun(: I'm not sure if this camp will have a night walk. VERY honestly speaking, I might freak out on a night walk. I'm generally not very brave, it's just my pride pushing me on :X!!! hahaha. But if there is a night walk this camp and I have to lead my group, I will choose to depend on God, because God is there for me THROUGH IT ALL. (: through GOD, I can do anything!! (: We ended today's games and I felt really glad because I've come to know so many nice people(: It's really really awesome.

That's about what I've done for today. I'm in the sports ministry and I hope I'm there by God's grace and plans. I'll do my best to serve God there. I'm not sure if I should give up teaching in sparklight. ): rather reluctant to, but. I don't know. D: I'll pray about it. One more thing on my prayer list. (:

Alrights guys,
this is about all I have to say for today. I'm off to think of a name that's short, sweet and cool for my camp group and to ask jeryl if he's thought of anything. No wait, I'll ask him tomorrow, I don't want to disturb him in MS. (: speedlight tomorrow, very glad!

ok ciaos! (:
Mi fuerza es de Dios!!

hello world. I haven't posted in eons!

Anyway, been running.
This week's been a hectic and tiring and emotionally challenging week. In all aspects, physically, mentally and emotionally, I'm tired. Right now I'm struggling to go through some simple physics slides. It's terrible. Last saturday, before I went out with my parents for lunch, I had yet another emotional outbreak and arguement with my dad over my road bike. To be honest, I still don't see why he objects to it. Sure, a road bike has its pros and cons, it probably seems more dangerous but well. Pros and cons. That's a con I guess. Actually it's not that dangerous, safety precautions also can be taken. I felt bad during lunch, tried my best to make up for it. I'm not very expressive in front of my dad so that was a feat for me. We were supposed to continue our conversation on the bike after lunch, but well, we haven't had the part 2 of the conversation til today.
Sunday was normal except that I helped kendra to serve. It was really a tiring and challenging sunday. Lacking sleep the previous night and still feeling rather down about the quarrel with my dad, I had to go for a meeting with the leaders to find that our cell group is splitting internally. But I suppose change is good and we ought to face it with a positive mindset so well, who am I to complain? Served for 11, went for cell and had to lead a small group in a mini presentation. Now I get an idea of how hard it is to be a leader especially when no one wants to respond to you no matter how hard you try. I'm making sure I respond enthusiastically with consistency from today onwards to give the leaders encouragement.
Monday was training, batting and stuff, left me aching.
Tuesday was the supposed game with tkgs but was postponed due to the heavy rain. I went running on tuesday morning with Joshua(: I suppose it was a good run although the air was kinda suffocating D:
Wednesday was a public holiday, which was rather terrible. It wasn't too good a day for the family, had a headache all evening and was feeling really dizzy so I slept the afternoon away.
Thursday morning we had a friendly with siglap. They've improved a lot since sec 1 (: Anyway kudos to the siglap team and the sec 1s for playing so well. In the afternoon, the blazing hot afternoon sun, we played the match against tkgs. It was a match that was not too satisfying but then again who am I to judge? I'm just the first 15. We lost but I suppose it's a good chance for us to realise where we're lacking and to take this chance and train harder and improve for next year. Went home utterly tired but I felt that I had to stick to my 40 Day plan and go running. So I texted jie and she wanted to run so I ran with her. 33mins of running.
Friday (aka today). Training in the morning, we had scrimmage games. (: won one, lost one. I should have contacted the ball harder. Stupidly swing like some lao aunty with no muscles. Angst, regret!! But it's ok, I will change. Trained, the sun was blazing. Absolutely fried me. I was so tired, spam drank green tea. After training, went with the team to swensens at tampines mall for lunch. Teachers and coach gave us a treat. I think I seriously overate(who knew that the freaking main course could be so filling?!?). The ice cream was somewhat like the ice cream I ate for my first dinner in UK. I miss UK tons. ): But yes. Go try it if you have the time! Banana crumble from swensens (: Then we took bus 65 from the interchange to Damai Sec. We reached there rather early and we managed to catch the whole game of the B div Boys for softball. AHS vs Pasir Ris Crest. AHS won, it was a great match to watch. Then we had the prize giving ceremony. And I went home. Plonked my butt down, got changed and unwillingly dragged myself out for a run. Tired as I was, I went running. It sounds pretty insane, but I realised that I actually love the running. After about halfway, after forgetting all the aches and pains, I managed to start to enjoy the run! It was a good run indeed, time spent alone, music in my ears, just running. Without thinking about much except ohgoodgrief, how long more, wth is this place. (: But when I got back and calculated distance covered, I somewhat want to whack someone's ass. Or my own.

30mins - 4.3km.

SLOW SLOW SLOW SLOW SHORT SHORT SHORT SHORT. D:
Angst!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to run more. Anyway I still really want my road bike ): I keep thinking like oh if I had my bike than I can really train and well, have another thing to do besides running. One gets bored of running after a while you know (: after all, I've been running for a year already. I suppose that's why people go for triathlons and duathlons. They get bored of doing just one sport. I'm really tired now. ): Tomorrow's the CAMP UNIFY games trials!! I'm super excited about it. Yupp, I think I can work really well with jeryl and we'll be able to RA-RA our group! I really hope that this camp will be edifying for my own life as well and bring me back to GOD. That's the most important point.
I've grown taller everyone! I'm 1.5m HEE. Alright guys, I'm really tired I'm going to sleep. Loves!

I think-

House music is siiiiickkkkk.
Red sports cars are damn sexy.
Road bikes are so damn sexy, it's my life.
House remixes and road bikes go together.
I've got the music, the moves, the adrenaline, but no bike.
Pitbull's voice in "Hey Baby" is freaking sexy.
I love the bass beats in Nelly's move that body.
I think I love killer heels.
I'm so for retro.
I'm not wild.
I'm just crazy.

I really want a road bike.
I really want a road bike.
I really want a road bike.

I'm mad for messaging you.
I must be crazy if I'm asking you out to shop.
I crave shopping.
I crave being an awesome bi-friend with my best girl(homo)friend.
I need to crap.
I need to dance.
I'm going to dance tomorrow.
I'm bringing an extra pair of shoes out of the house just to dance.
I'm bringing my retro headphones.
I love remixes.

I love listening to remixes, wearing my sports gear, riding low and fast on a bike, feeling the wind in my hair, against my cheeks, my shades resting on my nose bridge, my muscles aching, my breathing slightly labored, my feet pedalling madly, people watching, people staring, people, people, people, on my road bike.

Oh yes,
this is life.
I think, this is life.

hello world(:

I'm posting because qiqi asked me to :D so well. Anyway I also haven't posted in ages so it won't hurt to update a little.

To be honest life is just mundane now. School, training, home. That's about it. I'm feeling rather aimless in life right now. I'm struggling to get back to God, and honestly, it's rather hard. But I will try harder. (:

These days, people around me are getting into relationships, getting out of relationships. It makes me wonder, really, what is a relationship for? I guess when we're young, we're seeking companionship and someone who will devote their attention to us and solely us. So a relationship is a short term thing. Maybe 5 months, a year, two years, but it won't last. I don't know if it's wrong to have a relationship for that case? Of course it's better to avoid one, less troubles, less sorrow, heartbreak, the heartstopping moments which drive you mad. Saves a lot of energy and money and time. But then, young people want attention. I don't know, who am I to judge? I'm a mere 15 year old still seeking the world. So, well, I rest my case.

Do I want a relationship now?
In all honesty, NO! :X
I couldn't handle one. Well I could, but I just can't be bothered. I mean, I'm kinda lazy to hold a relationship :X I'll just stick to liking guys ha-ha :p but well.

Anyway moving on.

It's been eons since I sat down and day dreamed (dreamt?) about things. Because life is so mundane, there's nothing to day dream about, except to sit down and watch the passing of clouds.
Honestly, joy is something we can choose to pursue. There's always two sides to life I suppose. You can drop a glass of milk, cry over the spilt milk or rejoice that the glass didn't break.

Well, that's just a lousy scenario. But truly. These days I wake up and I just feel glad to be alive. But I'm sad about my road bike still. Being a professional biker, well I suppose it's one of my wild dreams, just like being a marathon runner. But it can come true right? Honestly my heart broke when dad said he wouldn't get me a bike. Come on, it's just a bike. I'm not asking for a car or asking them to let me travel and climb a mountain. It's my dream and what can possibly happen when biking in singapore? Good grief. Less of the quarrels and a simple road bike could make everyone happier. Well, me at least. I'm not the best daughter, but neither am I the worst. I'm not happy with who I am, biking makes me happy with myself.

It makes me feel like I'm not a total loser and that I can achieve something.
That's why it's so important to me.

No one understands me enough to understand that. No one can empathize with me until they step into my very shoes and feel the exact emotions I feel and go through every single one of my thoughts.

Dear God,
This christmas, can I please have a road bike?

(Good grief, typing this request alone makes me tear up. sigh, it reminds me of the fact that I won't be able to accomplish my dreams anymore. And it really hurts.)

life is better than we actually make it out to be.
Sometimes I think we exaggerate, we over-analyse, percive the situation to be something that it is not.

Honestly, all I need to say is,
Friend, (best friend/best girlfriend/best guyfriend)
You're all of the above, and you're the only homo friend I have (: as named by me,


If your heart says yes but your mind says no,
(the world will tell you to follow your heart.)

I tell you to follow your mind AND your heart.

BE RATIONAL.
Think it out,
2. Will a r/s with her work out?
3. Are her feelings for you as solid as your feelings for her?
4. Is she too young to understand what true love is?
5. Do YOU know what true love is?
6. Are you ready for a r/s?
7. What is your understanding of a r/s?
8. Are you certain of what you're looking for in the opposite party?
9. Does she have the ability to commit to a r/s?
10. Is the way she behaves when she's with you affected by her feelings for you? (ie. does she treat her friends the same way, or will her attitude towards you change over time as the initial excitement ceases.)
11. Are you ready for commitment?
12. What are your priorities in life now?
13. Can you and her manage both your studies and a r/s at the same time?
14. Will it last?

Remember dear friend,..
Relationships mean commitment, time and dedication.
Sensitivity towards the other party's feelings,
Some people tend to be more protective, others less sensitive.
Relationships are not child's play, people have relationships in hopes that it will lead to marriage, do you see her as a lifetime partner?

But other than that, listen to your heart too, try and take time to understand your feelings.

And I wish you all the best,
Whatever happens, I'm here for you,
Advice, crap, horneyness(ohgoshwtf), to comfort, hang out and be a total bitch.

loves,
jloop O: jiayou(:

p.s.
Anyway you're more sensible than other people I know so I believe you'll be able to make the best choice(: gaaaaambatteeeeee!

Hello(:

Unfortunately I'm absolutely certain that I've screwed up the EOYS completely save for bio. Even lit and la can't survive this ordeal. It's a pity really. Honestly I'm frustrated with myself for screwing up so bad. But anyway, putting eoys aside because I can no longer do anything to change the past but rather I can only face the music, get over it and work harder in the future.

Anyway, that aside,
These days have been really hectic for me, it's practically driving me nuts. I don't believe that you, you actually care, or think about me so please stop telling me you do.

I don't believe in fairytales but rather I believe in actions and effort.

Anyway I tried Bonk training for the first time today, trust me it is no easy feat. After 16 mins of running I DIED. My body was undergoing extreme aerobic respiration such that my breathing was absolutely laboured and my legs were heavy like logs and whatnot. Bonk Training is no joke, to believe that someone who can run 6km in 32 mins happily gave up after just 16mins of bonk training, it's really. Mind blowing. So I gave up, sat down at the beach and took pictures. Sorry it's not that I like taking pictures of myself but I really love artistic and scenic shots. I really wished I took along my camera to get a better effect of the scenery and to capture the vivid colours. But well, satisfied I guess. I danced at the beach on the sly when no one was looking. Hahas, it's really nice there(:

Ohwell.
Then I went biking with regina in the evening. And we took more shots at the beach but a different end.
(L) today was nice.

goodnights(:

I can't seem to click with people anymore. Amazing right?

But yes,
It seems almost as if there were an invisible boundary keeping me out, separating me from the rest of the world. But who set up that boundary? Me, them or the circumstances?

I can't understand.
Of course not, otherwise I wouldn't be pondering about it now and feeling all hot and bothered.

I'm totally whacked, zonked.
Alright, bye(:

rachel
dhs softball
Speedlighter
psalm 27:4


AMANDA!(:
JARED!
RANDY
2DARIA!=)
DESIREE!
Jalyn
Therandomemoweirdo
Kai Xiang(:
Joey(:
link
link





September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
January 2011


layout: + +
fonts: +
brushes: + +
image: +